The sleeper.

01:05 am: The emo.
Dear readers,
If you haven't realized it all ready that this live journal account has become some what of an emotional outlet for me. I place it in the public domain out of a wish to leave something some where in an attempt to make it easier for me to understand myself. In exposing these feelings and wondering of my mind on the page I hope I have at least made the reader think.

Eh.
Current things that need working on:
Make a plan!
Early to bed, early to rise.
Work like hell and organize.
Find some one that makes life more tolerable.
Really, plan things out like... oh say.
A week day should go like this.
5:00AM Prepare and eat breakfast, start laundry.
5:30AM Sit-ups, push-ups and pull-ups.
6:00AM Run 5 miles - put laundry in dryer.
6:30AM Shower, shave, dress.
7:00AM Check computer: Schedule Appointments, Verify materials.
7:30AM Study Math
8:00AM Drive to school.
8:30AM Read news papers.
9:00AM Research light rail transit.
9:30AM Work on research paper.
10:00AM Math lab time.
10:30AM More math lab time.
11:00AM Comp-Sci research and planning
11:30AM Lunch time!
12:00PM More lunch time!
12:30PM Liberal reading time.
1:00PM Organize math materials.
1:30PM Attend class OR Study
2:00PM More class.
2:30PM Even more class.
3:00PM Still in class.
3:30PM Looking out the window in class.
4:00PM Is it Monday or Wednesday? Then I'm in class.
4:30PM Wishing I had penciled in more time for the research paper.
5:00PM Learning how I can work more effectively on a research paper.
5:30PM What? Why am I still in class, or why haven't I spent this whole time studying.
6:00PM Ahh the drive home from school, the mall, or even waffle house.
6:30PM CLEAN THE HOUSE
7:00PM by clean the house I mean, everything off the floor, clothes and dishes put away, rubbish cleared.
7:30PM .
8:00PM .
8:30PM .
9:00PM Hopefully I'm asleep.

That is what I would like to happen,
Most of the time it is.
1-2:15 wake up go to school.
3-4:30 go to the mall, coffee
then loaf around the house,
drink more coffee.

09:51 am: The morning light comes filtered through the forest.
A breath of cool air quietly rousts me from sleep.
The day is full of possibility and yet.
The dread of it all just creeps up my spine.

02:07 pm: Upon the night filled with interpretation and uneasiness.
I am the stone, immutable and single minded.
Upon feeling jealousy and discontent I had a revelation.
Simply elegant, I remembered that I am the center of the universe.
So I have no room in my heart for the pain that I once felt about rejection.
I realized in that crystal clear moment, that I have unconditional love for every one.
Not just those I find my eye drawn too, but a deep connected feeling that transcends mere relationships. My emotions my flare and bring me into the depths of humanity and earthiness.
That primordial response to survival of the fittest. I cast away those bonds and breathe in a deeper understanding of my place inside the universe.

07:09 am: I'm so tired. Everything seems meaningless.
Nobody is here anymore. Living every day is pain.
What can I do though, it could be worse.
If I could only reach out and take some one's hand.
All I have to offer is unconditional.
Yet it seems as if nobody else feels that way.
Every one is preoccupied with possessions.
I just want to reject all the trappings.
What I own ends up owning me.
I have to be free.
The freedom I can taste.
To be happy and provide for those I love.
Yet, I have no love.
For yet love not returned is not love at all.
So what do I have to provide for?
Abundance is everlasting, and nature provides.
So I must harden my heart to the winter cold.
I must believe spring will come and thaw my heart.
Until then though, my feelings should be locked away.
Only focus on the task at hand.

06:13 am: Depths of angst.
This darkest night.
With the moon alight.
What can be done?
fret and worry for naught.
there is nothing here.
Alone in the darkness.

07:08 am: This day is the first day of the rest of my life.
Opportunity for continual self improvement.
So what do I do?
I can't help but feel deep in my heart.
There is some one out there, who needs my love.
I can give it for free, and it seems like it would be a crime to withhold that.
But it is a continual process of living every day.
There it is though, the reason for living.
Every time I find some one I really care about.
They make me want to become a better person.
I guess that is what life is about.
We are all flawed in some way.
I can't hope for perfection,
I just don't know though what to do.
I need to let her know,
but yet I don't want to hold any one back.
I just want them to know how much I feel.
If there was one thing I could do to make their life better I would be happy.
I don't expect this love to be returned,
In fact it would probably be better for them if we did not date.
Some how though my heart screams to my head,
It screams out and wrenches my emotions.
I feel as if no matter what it would be better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
So there I am stuck, I just want to write a letter and make sure she knows how much I feel for her.
It isn't the first time I've felt this way about some one.
I guess it won't be the last,
But I feel a strong sense that I have to let her know.
That some one loves her unconditionally.
That I don't care if the love is returned,
It does not matter if she returns that love or not.
But she needs to know I feel this way,
That I would be happy to do anything I could for her,
and if that love was returned, my love would never stray.

02:23 am:

01:09 am: There it is the eternal question.
Individuality just an illusion,
we are all, everything and nothing.
The matter born in the heart of the star,
The universe collapses and cools,
Inside the singularity of thought.
Faster than light,
the connection between two points is not a straight line
the things and thoughts pass before my eyes,
doubly an illusion of the world and nothing but
feeling, deep within my heart
what can I do but feel for those around me
life is a burden of suffering.
we are only as good as the least of us
I can think of nothing else but to let go
let fate ride on a wing.

02:26 pm: Mondays,
what do you have in store for me this week?
Here I am, trying to gather together what I need to do this week.
I don't feel awake, sleepy and distant, walking through the day.
Lost memories of happiness and assignments tucked away.
Here I am for what, I do not know. Just a dreary existance going too and fro.

04:14 am: That bittersweet embrace.
Life staring into possibility.
Beyond things, reality's constraints.

Care free days behind a memory.
The experience is worth living.
Even if for a moment.

Comfort of a human embrace.
We are here to love.
Passions guide, the gift to create.

The jealous eye,
Sees passion crude.
Exposing what they can't do.

Behind it all whatever it is.
Forever is one moment,
To a new born kid.

The freedom of expression.
The pursuit of happiness.
Never any unjust taxes.

To acquire what it seems it takes.
To raise a family, and express happiness.
Are beyond reality's capabilities.

People shout change from the television sets.
What do people really need change for?
This is frustrating.

01:49 am: The daily.
Here I am.
What is that?
The poetry of a mind in motion.
Where do I go from here?
Signifgant, mind seed.
Of ideas.

05:48 pm: day to day drearyness
restless bones
where do I go tonight?
I've lost my waffle home.

10:40 pm: ARRRG!
Bash my brains into little bits.
I don't want to write some stupid shit.
But then again I asked for this,
WHY oh WHY do I put up with it.
I can't take anything interesting or challenging.
Just the same old shit.

10:28 am: A morning bus ride.
Out the door at the crack of dawn.
Wet sandals slop around.
Waiting there is some one else.
A draw of cigarette smoke and it arives.
People that I see all around me.
The smells and sights of city life.
Wait for 1/2 an hour and I'm ready for the transfer.
Here first thing in the morning I don't know why.
Riding the bus to school hours before I need to arive.
Sit and watch the day take hold.
Try and study some.
Factoring, and simplifing math to be done.
Writing papers and whatnaught, oh what ever.
Some times I pretend to give a fuck.

04:26 am: In the thick of it.
The time of night where nothing moves.
Dark inky black essance of precipitation hanging thick in the air.
Pressure and pain surrounds the uncertinity of expectations.
Assignments in the persuit of a liberating education.
Deep senese of personal resposiblity to communicating.
Angst and indetermination lay beside my sword.
Suffering and sleepless tormentation.
Where art thou my love, too fall into thine arms.
For peace be given to my restless soul.

05:26 pm: The summer daze.
Along a sandy beach where the tide laps along the dunes, swimming in the summer ocean. People flock up and down the coast, going too and fro. The breeze at night in the marshes, fish cooking on a fire. Laughing with family, drinking and passing away the time. Frustrations and expectations, the time passes by. Foundations have to be built for plans and aspirations; trying to learn, grow, become more effective, compassionate and wise.

08:23 pm: Good grief, too much fun on fatalexe.com/chan vokal, loki and fatalexe are crack'n me up! For once on the internet I think this site needs more trolls.... In the real world i'm just relaxing here and thinking about maybe hiking or cleaning the house, not a whole lot realy intresting .

04:22 am: A light in the sky,
There have been titans restless in the hills.
Occasionally a titan would get angry because there was no meat.
It would cause a grate stir in the sky.
Inky black heavens would rain molten rock and ash,
and the rivers ran thick with earth.
Then one day a child was born,
not of man, by divine will.
The last of an ancient culture,
constructed a great wheel in the sky.
Turning beyond the ages.
Watching ever watching,
over the genetic memory of harmony.
Waiting until it could be imbued,
into the cradle of life.
The pseudo intelligence of the wheel tiered and fell into the sky.
Burning bright as the immaculate child was born.
Even the great star had stood still in the sky.
A potter's daughter,
she grew strong pulling up water and clay by the river side.
The titian came by the village next to the river and killed every one.
But the wheels wouldn't let harmony die.
After three days she had risen and returned to the sky.
Then destroyed the titans with the wheel's fully operational death star.

07:56 am: The long day,
Well another day I have woken up about as early as possible. I've just been browsing the web and killing time. I think I will try and play some more frizbee golf today or something. Not a whole lot going on. I do have to say thanks to a few of my friends posting on fatalexe.com has been fun. Now I keep thinking about what to do about the front page and maybe a few games or something. Just lack of organization and motivation keeps things going slow. The job market is depressing, I so want to use my skills and get paid but opertunites seem to be non existent.

12:01 am: exeChan
exeChan
It has begun!